06 4 / 2012

So our priest had some stupid idea for lent, to give up his mofukkin’ computah. So he was duh only nigga dat knew dah password. He also murdahed a bitch and went to jail foh a while. No worries doe, we back for duh Ghetto Bible for Eastah tiemz. Yo, y’all best be reading duh Ghetto Bible, this Sunday. Or God gonn shank you. Tanks guys, for bein’ so good to God, and reading, an shit. Yee son. 

06 4 / 2012

Dat nigga God, was all n shit, and he was all like,

"Yo, I’m fucking bored. Nigga I gotta do something, I’m God. I mean come onnnnn"

So, God had ideas. He decided to put two human beings on duh Earth. Ya heard me. Dem niggas names were, Adam, and Eve. He placed the two bitches in a forest, or some shit. Yeah, it was a forest. Except, it had a tree. That was tree was goon. It had apples and shit. That tree was the biggest tree in the forest. It was bootyful. God said to Adam and Eve,

"Yo niggas, y’all can fuck around and shit in my forest, but I swear to God.. I mean myself, if any of y’all niggas eat them apples off this damn tree, Imma bust a cap up yo asses. I mean it too. I mean, you can eat the apples off the others trees, but not the big nigga. The big nigga tree, shall not be touched. Ya heard me?"

They said back,

"Allite yo. God we gotchu homes."

"Good, my niggas"

"Yo God, why can’t we eat apples off the big nigga tree? I mean, it’s just a tree!"

God screamed and shit.

"Yo, that tree is the devil! The devil lives in the tree! He’s a snake. Hiding in the tree. He be all like, ssss,  sssss and shit. He will cut you! The devil is a gangsta like dat. He mad scary yo. Don’t fuck with him. If you do, the whole world is fucked up the A. SO DON’T DO IT!"

"Whatever yo say, homie"

So, them niggas Adam and Eve, were dancing and prancing and all that shit, in the forest. And then, that cunthole, Eve, was all hungry and what. I mean, she was hungryyyy. The bitch was on her period, and everything. You don’t wanna fuck with a bitch on her period. Word up, homes.

"Yo, ADAMMMMM. Get me some food nigga! I am hungryyyyyyy."

"Yo bitch, calm yo dick."

He said back. But Eve, wasn’t gonn take that shit. 

"DON’T BE A BITCH, AND GET ME SOME GOD DAMN FOOOOOD"

Then… Outta nowhere, some snake nigga was all like,

"Ssss, ssss. Yo I got some food over here."

Eve said.

"YO NIGGA GIMME SOME OF THAT SHIT"

Adam, trying to be a hero, was all like.

"Yo Eve, chill gurlll. Dasss duh devil!"

Bitch wouldn’t listen to Adam. And den.. Eve took a bite of the apple. Adam screamed,

"YO NIGGA DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID??"

"Adam, quit being such a little bitch. God ain’t gonna know, yo."

The bitch didn’t know that God was watching the whole entire fucking time. 

"ADAM? EVE? WHAT THE HELL DID Y’ALL NIGGAS DO?"

"Well God… Dis bitch, Eve ate the apple that snake nigga give her."

"Yo Adam, you iz such a snitch."

"WHY DID Y’ALL DO THIS? THAT MOFUKKIN’ SNAKE BITCH. NOW ALL OF US IS GONNA HAVE ORIGINAL SIN. Y’ALL IS STUPID"

Then.. The mofukkin’ snake just slithered away, bein’ all ssss, ssss and shit.

12 3 / 2012

Yo dawgs, we bez sorry aboot not givin y’all the weekly word of God. You see… Our baptists be doin’ coke, and he couldn’t be derr this Sunday. But no worries yo, we be hitting y’all with another word of God dis Sunday. Y’all best not be callin’ duh Bloods or duh Crips on us.

04 3 / 2012

Sooooo… Back up in the clouds of Heavennnn, God was all like,

"Yo Gabriel, my niggahhhh! Yo, you see dat white bitch right derr. Yo, work yo angel magic, and make her my baby mama. Allite?"

"Allite, God. Yo wut’s the little nigga’s name gonn be?"

"Jesus, yo."

And den, Gabriel swooped his ass down to Mary.

"Yo little girl… Imma get choo prego, and yo ass best be namin’ yo kid Jesus"

Mary pissed herself and was all like,

"YO WHO DUH FUCK IS DAT? OH DAYUM! IT’S THE BLOODS!"

Gabriel said back,

"Yo, chillout bitch, it’s just Gabriel. God told me to get yo ass prego, so he can make his son in you. Now, lemme work my magic, and you best be makin Jesus."

"God will be my baby daddy? Not Joseph?"

"Yeh yo, Joseph is just Jesus’ fake daddy. Don’t tell the nigga that tho, he’ll find out dat God is actually da baby daddy soon."

Mary… Being da loud bitch she is, told everyone in Jarulzalumm (or howevah duh fuck you wanna spell dat shit) dat she was having a baby from God.

"YO NIGGAS, IMMA BE HAVING A BABY, AND HIS NAME GONN BE JESUS. YO NEW GOD."

Gabriel also told Mary’s ass,

"Yo Mary, I swear yo, if yo ass drinks some Cirroc or some shit, and fuck Jesus up, Imma beat yo ass so hard. And who da fuck knows what God’s gonna do to yo ass too."

"I got chu homez" Mary said. 

26 2 / 2012

So we be in dat Israel place or some shit. Jesus was wit his homies, and the niggas was eatin dinner. Jesus at duh dinna table, was all like. “Yo my niggas.”  The nigga pulls out some bread. It wasn’t that fancy baguette shit, but it was bread. And no, it wasn’t a damn croissant shit, that’s just too fancy, cuz iz all buttery and swirly and shit. Jesus was all like “Yo, this is my body, but it ain’t really my body. Is just bread! If y’all niggas thought you was eating my body, den you must be really dumb. Dayum nigga. But yeah… This is my body, and when y’all eats it, you will go to my crib when you die.” The nigga handed the bread, and his homies was eatins it so fast, mang. Like dayum. After dem niggas were done grubbin, Jesus pulled out some wine. “Dayum yo, we boughtta get drunk in this bitch,” he said. “Sike yo, this is my blood. But it ain’t actually my blood, becuz dat’s nasty. I would give you some Jesus AIDS or some shit, das gross. But yeh, if y’all niggas drink this wine, you gets to come to Heaven and chill at my cribs. Yo and also, Heaven’s got some nice ass angel biddies. So get fucked up drinking my blood, and you’ll go to Heaven, yo.” Sooo, if y’all niggas wanna go check out Jesus’ fresh ass crib, y’all gots to eat his body and blood. Annn, by that we mean eat his bread and drink dat wine. We know that wine ain’t that Alize shit. Deal with it, and drink yo asses off. Amen, my niggas.

25 2 / 2012

Each n every Sunday we be readin duh Bible cuz it’s da day of God. If yo aas don’t read dis every Sunday, God gonn bust a cap up yo ass. God don like sinnahs, so read dis shit my niggas.

25 2 / 2012

Deez r God’s rules and if yo ass break em, God gonn break yo neck.

  1.  If y’all niggas believe in anotha god, I swear to God, I mean myself… Imma bust a cap up yo ass.
  2. If yo ass worships anyone else besides me, you gonn to Hell.
  3. Use my name wit a curse word, bad dings will happen to yo ass.
  4. Drag yo lazy ass self and go to fuckin church on Sundays. If not, Imma hunt choo down, and slap a hoe.
  5. You know the niggas dat fucked and made yo ass? Yeah, respect dem. Dey yo mama and papa, dey can abort yo ass. I don’t give a fuck how old yo ass is.
  6. No shanking bitches. 
  7. Don’t cheat on yo bitch. Fuck the shit out of dem, and only dem.
  8. Don’t take shit dat isn’t yours. Fuck mang, go buy the shit. Yo ass don’t know if a nigga gonn cut you or what.
  9. Speak of duh truth, and only duh truth. I hate lying little bitches.
  10. Don’t be a little bitch, and cry over things yo ass don’t gots. Pussies like dat go to Hell with dat bum ass nigga Satan.